My most freeing epiphany in my porn addiction fight
One of the most freeing realizations I had while on my own journey to recovery from pornography addiction was this: Addiction and recovery are not just haphazard, random things that happen to a person. I began to think of them, instead, as systems that can be understood. In fact, I discovered that addiction and recovery act much like a flywheel which can rotate in opposite directions.
Flywheel, n: A heavy wheel that stores kinetic energy as it rotates, resulting in perpetually increasing momentum and speed.
The addiction flywheel
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Let’s start with looking at the “system” behind how a man typically gets trapped in pornography addiction. Often — as in my case — I stumbled into it when I did not expect it. I did not fully understand what I had seen or done, but my shame quickly led me into a state of Deception. I believed the lie that I had to live in secrecy. Living with secrets meant I could not fully be myself around others anymore, and thus I began to experience emotional isolation.
I found myself going back to the same vice over and over again in my isolation and shame. Though I didn’t understand why, I craved it. And the more I went back, the more I needed to keep this secret protected and the more I was deceived into believing that it was no big deal (compartmentalization).
There came a point where the flywheel of addiction was spinning so fast that it felt impossible to stop. Every effort to stop the wheel was like a butterfly trying to stop a freight train. Hope was lost.
All I could think to do at this point was to try to salvage what little I could from my life. So, I lied to avoid losing what I had. I manipulated conversations to avoid going deep. I got agitated when someone gave counsel or expressed hope because I had already tried “everything.”
Like a dying person who denies visitation because their present weakness does not reflect their desired identity of strength … I would have died before willingly letting my secret sins be exposed.
And so, the flywheel of addiction spun ever faster.
The recovery flywheel
So, the burning question is: once a man has found himself spinning in the Addiction Flywheel, is there anything he can do to stop it?
Absolutely! The great thing about wheels is they can spin both clockwise and counterclockwise. To reverse course, though, something needs to first slow the wheel’s momentum and then initiate force in the opposite direction. In the case of the addiction system, the inverse recipe is required to begin shifting to the recovery system. The flywheel of addiction slows as we hit each spoke one-by-one with its counter-value. Let me break this down.
The first step in reversing direction from the Addiction Flywheel towards the Recovery Flywheel is understanding.
What do I mean by “understanding?” Understanding is the opposite of deception. Think of it as gaining new knowledge of what is actually true or of seeing something in the light for the first time after having tried to examine it in the dark. Most men seeking help to break free from pornography addiction reach out to me after gaining a new level of understanding (i.e. they realize the hurt they’re causing a loved one, they see with a fresh vision how deep their addiction could take them, they wake up to realize that life is passing by while they are too numb to appreciate it, etc.)
Oftentimes, these men have experienced a breach of their secrecy that has led to this new understanding. One example would be: a wife catches her husband acting out with pornography. He becomes aware of the hurt his sin is causing her and he is essentially forced to confess after being caught red-handed. In this case, confession and understanding were not voluntary choices this man made, but they still act as obstacles in the spokes of the Addiction Flywheel, and they begin to help slow down the spinning momentum.
From here, this man has a choice to either return to secrecy and hiding his behavior — and thus build back the addiction momentum — or he can lean into building recovery momentum.
Confession is the next spoke on the Recovery Flywheel. Confession is painful, but it is good for pain to be associated with our sinful behavior because it makes that behavior less desirable. Confession is often best done with brothers in Christ in groups like Pure Desire’s “7-Pillars of Freedom”. This is because groups like these will have fellow brothers who can relate to the struggles you are confessing, which helps to decrease shame and further increase understanding. All of this ultimately leads towards Fellowship, which is the opposite of Isolation and the final spoke on the Recovery Flywheel.
Making sense of it all
Do you know why you act out in the first place? We all build habits/rhythms in life that become engrained in us unless given direct attention. Do you brush, then floss, then mouthwash before bed? What we do and in what order we do it very quickly goes on autopilot. For many of us, we’ve learned that acting out gives pleasure (albeit short term) while simultaneously numbing any negative emotions that we experience. We therefore develop a habitual system of numbing ourselves with pornography every time we begin to feel a negative emotion. We hardly even have to think about it, and we find ourselves returning to our vices.
But as we begin to better understand the specific emotions, traumas and triggers that our flesh habitually “solves” by acting out with porn, we can better create boundaries so that we are forced to develop new, healthy habits for processing them.
In other words: the more we Understand our struggle, the more we can Confess, which leads to deeper fellowship with brothers in Christ … and momentum keeps building!
As a quick side note — this is precisely why our Breaking Free online course exists — to show you how to develop recovery momentum, all while avoiding as many landmines along the way as possible.
One last thing I want to point out about the system of recovery: the devil will often convince us that pursuing just one or two of the spokes on the Recovery Flywheel is good enough. But this approach will fall flat in truly building positive recovery momentum that will last over the long haul.
- Understanding and confession without fellowship tends to lead to loneliness and burnout.
- Understanding and fellowship without confession allows sin to continue to fester and grow.
- Fellowship and confession without understanding leads to shame and hopelessness.
So yes, all three are imperative.
Which spoke on the Recovery Flywheel does your flesh feel the most resistant to? How would it feel for you to live in an ever-growing understanding, complete honesty, and deepening fellowship with your brothers in Christ?
Originally published at Courage Reclaimed.
Matt Willis is the founder of Courage Reclaimed. He is a broken-free husband and soon-to-be father who resides in Boise, Idaho with his wife, Sarah. He is passionate about seeing men step out of shame and live the courageous life they are called to in Christ.
