Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone
Cynthia was the most active member of my former church. She was there every time the door opened, participating in every group meeting, Sunday School class, Bible study, and always surrounded by a large circle of friends. I didn’t know until years later, when she confided in me in secret, that she went home every night feeling empty and alone.
Cynthia’s admission surprised me. Of all the people at church, she was the last one I imagined feeling lonely. But I was basing my judgment on stereotypes, having somehow come to believe that the only members of society who ever feel lonely are elderly shut-ins with limited mobility and few (if any) visitors. Yet Cynthia opened my eyes to the realization that anyone can feel lonely, even when surrounded by fellow believers.
Maybe this is why the traditional definition of “loneliness” bothers me so much. The Oxford Learners’ Dictionary describes it as “a feeling of being unhappy because you have no friends or people to talk to.” But this definition is misleading; it implies that loneliness occurs only when you’re alone but vanishes as soon as you socialize. Yet anyone who has felt lonely in a crowd knows this is not true.
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Cynthia herself can testify that no amount of hyper-involvement, no flock of friends or full social calendar, can cure that deep, hollow ache of loneliness — which leads to a more fitting definition of the word: “the emotional distress that results when inherent needs for intimacy and companionship are not met.” This means anyone can be caught off guard when this distressing emotion creeps in.
The pastor’s wife who homeschools and shuttles her kids to various play dates can feel lonely. So can the new mom on maternity leave who stays home with her baby. Or the college freshman who just moved into a dorm full of strangers. Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.
Feeling lonely can leave you crying out to God for someone to fill that void because we learn that as much as we love our friends and family on earth, they simply cannot fill the void themselves. The void is a unique place in our hearts created by God and meant only for God. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” No human experience cures the desire for an intimate relationship because our ultimate Companion is in Heaven.
This doesn’t sound promising so far, does it? After all, we probably will face multiple kinds of loneliness in life; from divorce to the loss of friends, to the deaths of loved ones. No wonder so many lonely people sink into a sense of hopelessness. The One we need cannot be held or seen, and we want so desperately to be held and seen.
But take heart: Our Lord, through the Holy Spirit, is no farther away than your own heartbeat. He is right there, that close. He does not want loneliness to defeat you. Rather, He wants to help you defeat your loneliness so you can live a life that is rich and full. And you can take one huge step toward this goal by nurturing an intimate relationship with him.
You might wonder, How can I relate to God when He doesn’t understand how I feel? But He does. Remember: Jesus Christ Himself knew the ultimate form of loneliness. Sure, when He began His ministry and performed numerous miracles of healing, He gathered thousands of followers who offered seemingly endless devotion. Yet when He began being prosecuted, even His closest friends left, fleeing and hiding in fear. In the darkest moment of it all, when Jesus felt abandoned on the cross, He cried out, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). He experienced that emotional void — and He accepted it willingly because He knew His experience of loneliness would allow us to never feel alone.
We can find comfort in Jesus’s loneliness. Knowing He has felt the way we feel makes it more bearable, and it makes it easier to connect with Him. We can nurture a relationship with our Lord by spending time with Him: reading His Word, singing hymns of praise, and praying. The prayers don’t have to be fancy, and no one needs to feel ashamed for admitting they feel lonely. After all, God already knows you feel that way, so why not tell Him? He will respond — maybe not in the way you imagine, maybe not immediately, but if you truly seek an intimate relationship with Him, then He will shape your path and your outlook going forward so that you gain the insight you need to overcome your emotional suffering.
God also wants us to connect with fellow believers for support and encouragement, and not just a superficial connection that happens when you volunteer side-by-side. God wants us to form intimate relationships that allow us to experience some of His love and peace here on earth. This means not just leading a VBS class, but meeting before the class to join hands and pray together. It means not just delivering meals to shut-ins, but staying to talk with them, showing interest in their lives, and asking about their own spiritual journeys. It means calling brothers and sisters in Christ to check on them and pray with them. When we help others feel less alone in their battles, we feel less alone in ours.
Remember that loneliness is universal and that even our Savior experienced it. But we need not let it defeat us. God gave us our fellow Christians to offer encouragement and support. He gave us His Word and His only Son. It’s why Jesus came, and it’s why He died. Jesus told the Pharisees and His disciples, “I came that they might have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Embrace the abundant life God intended for you. He has a plan for you, one that includes that emptiness finally being filled to the point where it overflows.
Originally published at Dwell Ministry.
Jessie Tucker Mitchell is a licensed professional counselor with Dwell Ministry in North Carolina. She earned her MA from Wake Forest University and her BA from UNC Chapel Hill and has a heart for working with women struggling with eating disorders, OCD, anxiety, and trauma. Jessie also is a freelance writer and editor and particularly enjoys writing about her faith. She lives with her husband, Robert, and their four children, and enjoys volunteering in the children's ministry at her church.
